ATLANTA — In what experts are calling "the most elaborate act of bureaucratic passive-aggression in federal history," the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has updated its vaccine safety webpage to feature a headline that says one thing, body text that says the opposite, and an asterisk that essentially gives the middle finger to the senator who extracted a promise that the headline would remain.

"The header says 'Vaccines do not cause autism,' which technically fulfills our agreement," explained an HHS spokesperson, air-quoting so aggressively that nearby interns reported whiplash. "The asterisk simply clarifies that this statement 'is not evidence-based' and that 'studies supporting a link have been ignored.' It's called nuance."

Career scientists at the CDC, who reportedly learned of the changes when a concerned citizen DM'd them on LinkedIn, expressed measured professional concern. "What the actual f***," said one epidemiologist who spoke on condition of anonymity because they still have a mortgage.

Dr. Paul Offitt, a vaccine expert at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, offered context: "They might as well say chicken nuggets cause autism because you can't prove that either. Actually, don't give them ideas. I've seen the grocery lobby in action."

The webpage now features what legal scholars are calling "Schrödinger's Public Health Guidance" — simultaneously stating and denying the same scientific consensus depending on which paragraph you're reading and whether Mercury is in retrograde.

Senator Bill Cassidy (R-LA), who secured the promise that the "vaccines do not cause autism" language would remain, released a statement that simply read: "..."

When reached for comment, an asterisk declined to speak on the record, citing ongoing litigation.

WASHINGTON — The Department of Government Efficiency, the ambitious cost-cutting initiative named after an internet dog meme and a cryptocurrency, has been quietly disbanded with eight months remaining on its charter, in what officials are calling "a successful demonstration of our core values."

"That doesn't exist," Office of Personnel Management Director Scott Kupor told reporters when asked about DOGE's status, before clarifying that "the principles of DOGE remain alive and well" despite the organization being, definitionally, dead.

The agency, which promised to save $1 trillion but achieved approximately $214 billion in savings that multiple analyses suggest were inflated by up to 97%, has been absorbed into various other government bodies — including a new office where Airbnb co-founder Joe Gebbia will "beautify government websites."

"We accomplished everything we set out to do," said a spokesman, reading from a statement that notably did not list any of the things they set out to do. "The chainsaw for bureaucracy has simply... evolved into a letter opener for memos about website aesthetics."

Critics noted the irony of an efficiency department that couldn't efficiently complete its own mission. "They promised to disrupt government waste," said one analyst. "And they did — by becoming an example of it."

The meme dog whose image inspired the department's name could not be reached for comment, but is believed to be doing well and not thinking about federal contracting reform.

POSEN, IL — In what legal experts are calling "the most extremely online arrest in American history," escaped psychiatric patient Morgan Geyser — convicted in the 2014 Slender Man stabbing — was apprehended at an Illinois truck stop Sunday night after reportedly telling police officers to "just Google" her name rather than provide identification.

"The female repeatedly refused to provide her real name," stated the Posen Police Department incident report. "After continued attempts to identify her, she finally stated that she didn't want to tell officers who she was because she had 'done something really bad,' and suggested officers could 'just Google' her name."

Officers, unfamiliar with the decade-old case involving a fictional internet horror character, complied with the suspect's SEO-based confession and were reportedly "surprised by the search results."

Geyser, 23, had cut off her GPS monitoring bracelet Saturday night and traveled 165 miles by bus with a 43-year-old companion to the truck stop, where they were found "loitering behind the building" and "sleeping on the sidewalk."

"From stabbing someone for a creepypasta to telling cops to Google you at a truck stop," said one true crime podcaster. "This is either the saddest character arc or the most internet thing that's ever happened. Possibly both."

Slender Man could not be reached for comment, on account of being fictional.

NEW YORK — In what researchers are calling "a giant leap for mankind and a medium-sized step for casual gaming," a Pennsylvania man with ALS has become the first person to control an iPad entirely with his thoughts, using the device primarily to play Solitaire and watch Apple TV.

"This is the first time the world has seen native, thought-driven control of an Apple device in action," announced Synchron CEO Dr. Tom Oxley, declining to comment on what percentage of those thoughts were "maybe I should stack the red seven on the black eight."

Mark Jackson, 65, demonstrated the technology by navigating apps, composing text messages, and decisively moving digital playing cards around a screen — all without lifting a finger, because he cannot lift a finger, which is the entire point.

"When I lost the use of my hands, I thought I had lost my independence," Jackson said via the brain-controlled device. "Now I can message my loved ones, read the news, and finally beat my high score on Klondike. It's given me part of my life back."

The technology represents a major step forward for accessibility, though critics have questioned whether humanity's first widely-publicized brain-computer interface milestone should be "man plays cards with his mind."

"Look, the technology is incredible," said one neuroscientist. "But I do think about all those sci-fi movies where brain implants are used for like, overthrowing governments or achieving hive-mind consciousness. And here we are. Playing Solitaire. Which is beautiful, actually."

BANGKOK, THAILAND — Miss Mexico Fátima Bosch has been crowned Miss Universe 2025, capping off a pageant season that included the Thailand director calling her "stupid" on a livestream, a judge resigning over "lack of transparency," contestants walking out in solidarity, and Miss Jamaica taking a dramatic tumble during the evening gown competition.

"This is vindication," said Bosch, who characterized being called stupid by an authority figure as "unacceptable" and then proceeded to prove it by winning the entire competition.

The pageant's descent into chaos began November 4th when director Nawat Itsaragrisil called Bosch "stupid" during a speech to contestants. Video of other Miss Universe competitors walking out spread rapidly on social media.

Then, three days before the pageant, judge Omar Harfouch resigned, accusing the organization of using an "impromptu jury" and having a "disrespectful conversation" about voting transparency.

The organization denied his accusations. The crown went to the woman who had been publicly insulted. The universe, apparently, has a sense of humor.